No More Karma

Eckhart Tolle says that you can't solve a problem on the same plane on which it was created. I believe him. It's been a valiant effort, but what I've been doing here is trying to solve a problem that was born of ego and is continually fed by ego - by putting my ego to it in every conceivable way. I know many people who do this quite successfully. And I'm in despair because I don't know how to reach the solving plane. I've prayed; I've meditated; I've sought god and goddess and have not even heard a whisper. And it's not about alcohol at all; ah how much simpler if it actually were.

I visit your blogs, I read and I am moved, but I cannot find words to comment. I sleep, and want to sleep some more. I cry and there is no relief. I go through the motions. I hate going through the motions. I don't want to write a "negative" blog post so I don't write at all and the poison begins to back up in my system. I witness and observe my own despair. I will not act on it in the same ways. I will not tell you how well I am. I will not tell you how I'm conquering my demons. I will not tell you that I even care whether I drink or not, because I don't. But I am not - and still, the demons.

The very best that I can do now is to create no more karma.

I wrote that in the wee hours of the morning. It is not "edited for content" and the grammar stinks, but it's how I felt at the time. I cried until I had no more energy and it was then I realized that was a good thing - the negative energy had been released and all that was left was space. I sat with a morning storm, the wind and the rain cleansing. I feel sort of ridiculous posting this, but it's the only thing that's come up that feels authentic lately. Do you ever have nights like this? Sometimes I just have to laugh at my own drama.