The Holidaze

It's been a rough week for me. The cowboy went to California to see his family and my friend and employer, Roberta, is in Portugal so I've been alone at work, alone at home and right now my head is a bad neighborhood to be alone in. I don't know when the tears will come and when they come I don't know when they'll stop. I made some phone calls yesterday and wrote a couple of friends this morning. My one goal for today is to make contact with someone I can talk to - physical, face to face contact. Next week I hope to see someone (as in a professional) about depression, which has always gone hand in hand with alcoholism in my life. Right now, I'm not really sober and not really drinking and neither action seems to make much difference.

My ability to be in denial until I'm almost unable to function is amazing even to me. Maybe that's part of the problem, though, is that somehow I do keep functioning. I get up, get dressed, go to work, smile, say I'm fine and believe it. Ever heard the term highly functioning alcoholic? That's me. Only I ain't functioning so well right now. I saw a movie recently where the main character had disassociative (sp?) disorder. That's how I feel. I'm unable to connect with anything right now in any meaningful way. I'm just going through the motions. It's not much fun. To say the least.